Happy 3rd birthday Maggie!

Maggie Moo, I cannot believe you are already 3 years old! These years have flown by for sure. Three years ago today started as any other day. Except I was already in labor- it started late the previous night. The day progressed and things were going well. Until they weren't. Then the day became scary and the following days uncertain. The whole time you and our family was lifted up in prayer- around the world, in fact. And what would have been an unbearably frightening nightmare otherwise, was eased by the Holy Spirit and our Father in heaven. We felt so much love and could feel the prayers. It is only through Him that our burden was lessened.
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
I will never forget the day of your birth and am so grateful for every birthday we celebrate with you and all the days in between. God has blessed us with a beautiful, sweet, fun-loving little girl and we love you pieces. Happy birthday, sweetheart, with all our love!

Happy birthday Jesus

More commonly known as Christmas, but today is in fact, the day we set aside to celebrate Christ's birth. So it's really a big birthday party and we've already received the best gift of all-- Jesus. God gave us his only son, who was born into our world-- all God, all man-- to save us from our sin so that we can have eternal life. "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions -- it is by grace you have been saved....For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -- not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:4-5/8-9, emphasis added by me. So we run around making, baking and buying in an attempt to celebrate this special day. We do that because God gave us a gift and the wise men gave Jesus gifts, but I pray we don't lose sight of the real reason for this day. It's not about the gifts we give or even the ones we receive because, as I said, we've already been given the best gift of all and the only one that truly matters. Jesus.
We were dead in our sins before Christ. And then He gifted His only son- Jesus Christ- who came to give us eternal life. What is more deserving of celebration than that?

Happy birthday, Jesus. Thank you for the gift of you. Merry Christmas to you all.

Thanksgiving Thursday

I've always liked Psychology. After deciding a counseling career was not the path for me, I chose a minor in Psych simply because I enjoyed the course of study. One of the first things I remember learning about human behavior was Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Much like the food pyramid- that which you need most is at the bottom.You know what's at the bottom of Maslow's pyramid? Physicological needs-- food, clothing, sleep, etc. You see, someone who struggles with those needs most basic to our humanity simply could not or would not concern themselves with self-actualization, which tops off the pyramid. We must start with a good foundation on which to build. The most important and strongest foundation, of course is Jesus Christ, our rock, our saviour. And he teaches us to share our blessings.
Today I'm thankful for my home- a shelter from the cold- food on the table and clothes for my family. I'm thankful God has provided for us. Plus I have a beautiful family to share my life with: my husband, children, parents, siblings, neices and nephews all who God gave me through birth and marriage. What's more than that, is I'm so incredibly blessed that I can move right on up that pyramid to seek shelter, love, self-esteem because my most basic, physiological needs are met and cared for.  If you have food in your fridge, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of the world. If you have money in the bank, your wallet and some spare change you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy. I am the 8%. We in America are so fortuante I think we sometimes forget. I know I do. So busy with my day to day I don't focus on how ridiculously blessed I am. It breaks my heart to know there are people right now who don't know when they'll eat next, without a bed to sleep in or a roof over their head and I'm blogging.
Yet the problem is so big that I feel lost in it, helpless to do anything. But inaction is not the answer. God calls me to share my blessings- my wealth. Sure, I'm middle class by America's standards, but I'm rich, so stinkin' rich. Please pray I stop allowing the vastness of the problem to aid my inactivity. That I will step out, share what blessings I have received and be a bold witness on His behalf.
I pray you're thankful today as well and share your blessings with others. Happy Thanksgiving!!

Grace & weakness

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

This verse is very near and dear to my heart - and Daniel's - because it's one God placed on hearts when Maggie was born. His grace is sufficient for us, not only when we're weak, but particularly when we're weak. Our sermon was on the first 10 verses of this chapter, in fact much of what I'm about to discuss is from notes I jotted down during the sermon.

In our culture, weakness is definitely a four-letter word. But our weakness humbles us- so that we can boast in nothing or no one but the Lord- humility is God-dependence, pride is me dependence. Everybody struggles with something, we all have problems and we need that to check our imperfection and mortality and need for an almighty savior. We can all remember that whatever struggle has, is or will come our way will be used for His glory and our humility.

These trials and weaknesses are what draws us closer to God. Go to Him in prayer and ask him to ease your pain, it's okay to do that, he wants us to. Just remember, he may not answer the way you want him to or in the timeframe you've set forth in your mind. That's big! And one of the hardest things for me to accept and remember. Sometimes I just want my prayer answered, but God is not a genie and he doesn't grant our wishes or make our lives easy.  It's not about us!!! We are called here to glorify God regardless of our circumstances not expect Him to take our problems away-- we live in a fallen, sinful world. Paul, the author of this letter to Corinth, is discussing here how he asked God three times to remove a stake from him (a physcial pain/problem of some sort, we're not sure exactly what) and God told him no. Paul, one of the great apostles, author of many books in New Testament, was told no! We don't and can't always know God's purpose behind something- even a struggle or weakness in our life- but it will be for our good and His glory.

It is inevitable that we will have pain and weakness and God does not promise to deliver us from that - Jesus was not delivered from crusifixion and thank God because now we're saved! What God does promise is that he will give us the grace to handle it. Go before the presence of God in the midst of your suffering and though he may not remove the thorn, he will give you relief- the power and strength to handle the pain. You see we don't need these things- financial security, healing, a husband, a wife, a baby, a job, a car, anything- what we really need is God and He is enough. This is one of the hardest lessons to learn but it's the most important. It's not easy because we are of the flesh, but it's important.

So what is God using in your life to show your weaknesses? Are you going to rely on yourself and the world or the Creator of you, the heavens and the earth?

**I think it's important to say this is the first service I've been able to sit through in a long time. I prayed before church that God would remove any distractions and I could focus on His word for one hour. And he did answer. Because I needed to hear this.

Happy Birthday Maggie!

Dear Maggie,
One year ago you entered our lives and with your debut, brought so much love, joy, compassion and a deeper understanding of God’s grace and mercy.
I didn’t have an incredibly long or difficult labor, but you did display a few heart rate decelerations on the fetal monitor, so my doctor came in to monitor us. While in there, your HR remained steady during all contractions and since I had progressed so quickly, he decided to break my water to speed up our labor even more. Because you had the dips, he wanted to you be born as soon as possible to ensure your safe delivery. When he broke my water, the contractions became much stronger and closer together so I was not aware that your HR dropped off the map, so to say. You were born at 2:22pm and I was asleep. I didn’t get to welcome your beautiful face into this world or hold you or feed you but God knew His plans for us. If I had been aware or awake, I would’ve been a wreck, instead I was able to slowly gather information as it took awhile to come out of my aesthetic haze.
You were two days old when I held you the first time and four days old when I fed you the first time. And boy were you worth that wait! I cannot convey in words how special these moments were! God sometimes uses seasons of pain, distress or difficulty to draw us closer to Him and this has certainly been the case with your short baby life, particularly your birth and 10 days in the NICU. Your birth day is one I won’t soon forget and I know God has big plans for you.
I love you with all that I have sweet Maggie Ann and am so grateful for you. My precious baby girl, you have such a sweet disposition and fun personality. Your smile and laugh light up a room! And what you may lack in physical capabilities, you make up with intelligence- we can’t get anything by you!  I'm so thankful God gave you a place in this world and in my life. I am honored God picked me to be your mother. And we are all very happy that you made it on this day one year ago and you are here with us to celebrate your sweet life one year later. We love you so much!!!! Happy 1st birthday Maggie!
Love,
Mommy

Peace

We've been waiting, anticipating, dreading today for at least five months. Maggie's Neurology appointment. I still remember the day I took her to the state's Early Intervention office for her initial evaluation and the concerned look on that lady's face when she recommended I ask for a Neurological referral and consult. I was shocked when I found out our appointment was not scheduled until August. I wanted to go then. Right that moment. But I also didn't. And that was God's gentle hand leading the situation for our good and His glory. I'll get back to that in a minute.

playing before the appointment

walking in

Maggie's appointment went VERY well. God is so good!! Dr. Mathisen was his name, he did an exam, asked some questions, looked at hospital, pediatrician and Hand In Hand notes and was ready to talk. Here we go. Is the expression on his face good or bad? I don't know...this is the first time we've met and I don't know what his face normally looks like. Then he said, "well, I don't see characteristics indicitaive of Cerebral Palsy" or something to that affect. {Insert proverbial exhale} What great news because if anything, we assumed this would be the diagnosis. CP is commonly understood as a disorder caused by lack of oxygen at birth, but Mathisen focused more on fluid to the brain in his explanation. He drew a picture of the brain and showed us the vessels that deliver fluid & oxygen to all areas. When there's something that causes a blockage (like a knot or two in the umbilical cord), fluid can't get through, it dries up and that part of the brain is damaged, which is what the MRI was likely to show. This is an assumption, he said, because he didn't have a picture in front of him, but we didn't feel Maggie's case is critical enough to sedate her for the procedure. He felt strongly the evaluation provided enough informtion that an MRI was not necessary. He also said very often people take an event, usually at birth, followed by a motor delay and just apply this broad defintion of CP to it when really CP has very specific characteristics and Maggie is not displaying them.

So what is happening with Maggie? Does she have brain damage? Yes. I realize that may be difficult to read but we already knew this because of her delays and difficulties. BUT this is not degenerative and with work and opportunity -as with most kids with a similar situation- Maggie will learn and one day we won't know the difference. There are so many pathways in the brain that if one is damaged, you teach the brain how to work around that and another part will compensate for the loss. This is particularly the case with children because those pathways have not been formed yet. The Neonatologist discussed this with us while Maggie was in NICU. Only God could create such a marvelous, intricate organ! So what is the deal? He didn't give us a 'technical diagnosis' but said she has a developmental disorder as a result of brain trauma in utero-- what I described above. In fact, he said a diagnosis doesn't tell us anything- just a name- and we should look at Maggie and what she's doing. He would expect motor dificiencies because the brain did not develop properly in some areas so she struggles where other kids don't. We can even see Maggie concentrating on things almost as if "why is this not doing what I want it to" and her brain is either going to figure out a new way or just not do it. She strongly favors her left side and that's not normal for a child her age, so we discussed restraint therapy, which our therapists just spoke to me about last week. We'll have to help her train her brain to use her right side. So our goals are the same as they have been-- continue with PT/OT and focus on what she can do, the progress she has made and work to strengthen her weaknesses.

this child runs even in waiting rooms at the doctor

office! He was heading to the play area where I

never got pictures because we were called back

just as I finished paperwork!

Wait, did she say in utero? Yes. Dr. Mathisen said if her brain trauma were a result of her birth, she would've displayed other issues like seizures, being unresponsive and floppy, etc. and this is not the case with her. Everything he sees is indicative of a problem in utero and at some point Maggie got her cord twisted up and as I described above, her brain could not develop normally. Obviously this event was not too dramatic and did not happen too early in pregnancy because she would be a much different child than she is. This was a small enough and probably gradual event for me not to know- as long as she was moving and kicking (boy was she!)- I could not have known. This was a huge personal relief for me because I have at times been down on myself thinking I should have known or should have done things differently during labor/delivery and didn't do my job protecting my baby.  I'm grateful God granted me this peace....isn't God so great? It's easy to just say that sometimes and I feel very blessed to see and feel it.

back in our exam room...I intended to get pics

when the doc came in, but go sidetracked listening

and talking. oh well!

So God's hand has been all over this (told you I'd get back to that) because he knows the plans he has for us. Who knows where we'd be with aiding Maggie's development if her birth hadn't been traumatic, if we weren't keeping a watchful eye on it. Maybe no different at all, but who knows? Only Him. And in the meantime, we have found a much deeper faith and understanding than we've ever known because we see his grace and mercy and honestly, we often rely on God the most when we're in the midst of a trial, at our lowest. And more importantly, so many people have been involved in praying for Maggie and seeing God work in and through her- this also may not have happened without her traumatic birth- so God used her little baby life to touch so many others. And now I have the peace for which I've prayed. I continue to pray for complete healing and have faith He will provide. Let me express again my gratitude to all our prayer warriors out there...thank you and keep 'em coming, we still have work to do! :)
I told Daniel on the way home when we discussed how great our God is, "I don't know why He likes me so much, but I sure am glad!"

Thankful Thursday- 11 months

Lil Miss Priss, aka Maggie, turned 11 months old on Sunday! Can you say WOW?! Every month goes by quicker and I’m continually shocked at how old both of my children are getting. My word, sweet baby girl is inching toward the big ONE! Again, I look back and feel so blessed we’ve made it to this point because our reality could be completely different. By the grace of God, our precious little miracle baby girl is here with us.
To a person with a typical child, Maggie isn’t really “doing” anything. She’s not walking or crawling,  is not quite an independent sitter, doesn’t say a whole bunch of words, wave with just her hand or clap her hands. BUT Maggie has grown by leaps and bounds this month and is making so much progress! July was a big month for her. Just a few of the highlights—feeding herself, putting her feet in her mouth, standing with support and holding quadraped for short periods. Imagine someone with a stroke accomplishing all this in one month! Of course, an adult wouldn’t be crawling or putting their feet to their mouth, lol, but you get the idea. Just the other night, Maggie pulled herself forward with her arms on her belly, so commando crawling is right around the corner. We had PT this morning and Marliese is continually impressed with Maggie and her perseverance, says this will lead to big things. Praise God!

Way to go Maggie

Sunday, July 24th was an amazing day. We went to Sunday School then I picked Maggie up from nursery and brought her to the cry room so I could watch the sermon. I didn’t pack any toys that day, I’m sure partly because they have toys in her class and partly because I didn’t think about it. But wholly by divine appointment, I think, because the only thing I had packed she could play with was a spoon. And in the sitting position (on my lap) she grabbed it at midline and brought it to her mouth!!!! I still get teary-eyed recalling that moment. Now, for most of you with children that’s like no big deal, your baby was doing that months ago. And Will had been by this age too. But this is HUGE for Maggie and a large accomplishment in its own right!! And she did it right about the time Buddy started talking about God’s faithfulness. Oh my word, every baby is life-changing but the circumstances and trials we’ve gone through since Maggie’s birth continuously display God’s Mercy, Grace and well, Faithfulness to us and have been the catalyst for a life-change so much stronger and more profound than even bringing a new baby into the world. As I quietly thanked God I also apologized for not being nearly as faithful to Him as He is to me. Daniel cried when I told him especially when I added that it wasn’t a one-time fluke and she did it several times, even with her right hand/arm which she struggles with more. She has brought her hands (usually one at a time) to her mouth to chew on them but always struggled with it when holding objects. I have discussed this with Heather (OT) and she explained that it takes a lot of coordination to not only bring something to your mouth, but to hold it there. This is hard work for the brain to tell your muscles to do (though most of us don’t know it). 
So now we’re in full self-feeding mode and giving her anything she can gum because no teeth yet. And can I tell you she is LO.VI.NG. IT!

The only problem is she reeeeeally enjoys feeding herself so doesn’t always want her cereal/veggies- what happened last night. But she can’t survive on things she can eat without teeth alone. So we’re working on it.
Oh, and she is bringing both hands together at midline and then to her mouth now too. Not clapping yet, but she’s close. Praise God!

Amen!

I love my husband and  his heart for God...

http://lotekness.wordpress.com/2011/07/18/taking-stock/

10 months of God’s Grace

Our sweet Maggie turned 10 months old today! And what a wonderful 10 months this has been, my how time flies! We’re so thankful that we’re able to celebrate our miracle baby this many months later. Maggie has been making so much progress lately with her therapy and when I think back on her very humble beginnings and see everything that God has accomplished in our lives, in her life, through her, I’m amazed. Not only by His Grace but also by the fact that so many people out there don’t believe in our almighty savior. And that saddens me- so let’s save that for another post.
As you know, we saw our PT last week and Maggie had a great session. Marliese decided she wanted to see Maggie more often (I know, initially you think, ooooh that’s not good- but remember she said if they didn’t see potential they wouldn’t come out as much) and plans to see us every week for the next three weeks. She came by yesterday and noticed an improvement in Maggie’s trunk- just in a week!! A.MA.ZING. Keep those prayers coming! She brought one of those pop-up toys- I can’t believe we didn’t have one with Will considering it’s such a classic- and Maggie loved it! Marliese showed Maggie how to open each character- push, twist, flip what have you- and then close them again. Not only did Maggie sit during this whole exercise (going minutes at a time without M even touching her and freeing one hand to play) but also Marliese was impressed with how quickly Maggie caught on to operating the toy and again attributed this to Maggie’s cognitive ability. Of course, Maggie’s gross motor isn’t up to speed with her thinking capacity, so we had to help her with the movement of the exercise but she understood and wanted  to do it herself! She also played with the ring stacker telling her “on” and “off” when applicable; Maggie imitated Marliese saying “on” – in baby language of course. She did great on the exercise ball bracing herself when necessary and managed some baby sit ups.
We saw Heather, our OT today and she noticed right away that Maggie’s trunk was stronger and noted increased coordination. They both see progress every time they see her which is exactly what we all want! Aside from all this, in the last week Maggie has held quadraped again, bent down to pick up a toy and pushed back up, pulled a heavy book out of her tray’s side pocket, and dropped keys into the side pocket and dug in to get them (this shows good eye-hand coordination and object permanence). In one week! How could this be attributed to anything but God and her consistent improvement is miraculous time and again. I’m so proud of our hard-working baby girl and thankful for God’s loving hand!

I’ll put her monthly compares up another time and also my 4th of July post…I know, I know, I do not like posting out of order, but this was just too good to wait!

Thankful Thursday- Early Intervention

Since we were at the beach last week, we re-scheduled Maggie's PT appointment for today. First, I'm thankful we have access to an early intervention program and second I'm thankful Marliese was able to fit us in to another slot. This time we went to Hand In Hand instead of her coming here. Maggie did so well, she pushed to her hands and knees and held for about 10 seconds! She's done this a couple times, but never for that long. This is a huge success for Maggie and as we discussed this feat upon leaving, Marliese's face lit up. I am so proud of Maggie's progress and grateful for God's hand in her healing.
We talked about how hard it is to watch these little ones struggle, especially when they want it so bad- like Maggie. Marliese said I seem to handle it well and I explained- and want to be clear here- that I do have hard days (some very hard days) and I have to pray all the time because I do worry and am a mess on my own. I'm also grateful I had the opportunity to evangelize a little, it's not the strongest area of my faith but should be. Marliese said she prays so she is a fellow believer but you never know the plans God has and how your testimony can affect someone.
Maggie also worked on an exercise ball, which can be difficult when you don't have control of your core/trunk. When Marliese leaned her to one side or the other, Maggie pushed up, a good sign of increasing strength and works on her balance. Marliese said it before and again today: there's a lot of technology out there to help you do a lot of things but nothing can make you think and Maggie is very bright. Praise God!
Please continue to pray for us as we go through her therapy- for Maggie's strength and increased desire, for my perserverance in her daily exercises, Will's understanding of me working with her and for Daniel's and my wisdom and guidance in parenting both children. Thanks!!

Thankful Thursday - God

I'm thankful for God's Grace & Redemption.
It's all about the Cross. The cross does away with all our religion, all our rituals, all our "me" because it's not about us but Jesus. "But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world." Galatians 6:14. (emphasis added by me)

 He sent his only son-- all God, all man-- to die a horrible death after living a perfect life. For me! For you! Can you comprehend that? It's amazing. We cannot DO anything to impress God or deserve eternal life. It is only by His Grace, not our works, that grants us a place in eternity. FOR-E-VER is impossible to wrap our heads around as finite beings but we can stand in awe of Him and what He does and glorify Him in all we do!! The Cross. Our redemption. By grace alone, by faith alone, in Christ alone. Alone alone alone. I know it may be hard to understand there's nothing we can do, but we can't and the best news: we don't have to. Because he already did it! Jesus paid for our sins with his blood.
 I've been a believer for a long time but looking back on where I was 5 years ago, 1 year ago, even 1 week ago, compared to now, there's been a huge change. I'm an open book about a lot of things, but a pretty private person with the most intimate details of my life. However, I want to share what happened to me over the last couple days in hopes that you Get it. So stay with me (I can get winded sometimes:)

If you're reading, you know that Maggie nearly died during child birth. By all medical reasonsing she should be gone and it's a miracle only by God's hand that she's here with us today. We've been trusting God and resting in him but last week when I found out Maggie qualified for the Early Intervention program a part of me was hurt that she does need the help. I'm grateful we're able to get it, but no parent wants to see their child struggle. I prayed a lot that day and felt better and the more I prayed each day, the better I felt that Maggie was going to be fine. Then a few days later Daniel and I were privately discussing our Saviour and all that he's done when Daniel laid it out: "What if God does not heal Maggie and his glory is found in her being mentally handicapped?"

BAM.

God has a way of speaking to me through Daniel like that sometimes. What if? One of the most feared phrases in the English language. What if??!!? I tell you this tore me apart more and more as I reflected on it the next couple days. As I worked through my internal struggle, I found that I was just as, if not more, upset at the thought that I may not be happy with God if he didn't heal our daughter. Do I not really love God? Is my love for him conditional? If my joy is truly found in the health of Maggie (or anything on this earth really) can I truly call myself a believer in Christ? For our joy is to be found only in Him!! Not in things of this world because "my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26. I felt so faithless, I didn't go anywhere or talk to anyone, just sulked.

The other night Daniel approached me again, we discussed how I felt and I cried and just felt terrible that I felt terrible. Then he left and I fell apart, I mean I cried so hard my face hurt; I was wrecked. I prayed and prayed and prayed  and a peace began to fall over me, a different kind of peace, the kind that I've heard people talk about when they truly hand things over to God, the kind I thought I previously found but hadn't. And something changed- other people were laid on my heart and I prayed for them (not that I haven't prayed for others before)- it wasn't about me and my needs/wants/desires because I was at peace with those. I think this went on for an hour when I finally got up and could barely open my swollen eyes from all the crying. I felt good. Really good. And while I still prayed for Maggie's healing-- because there is nothing inherently wrong with that-- I didn't NEED it to be happy or feel peace. God gave me that.

I had received an email from my sister-in-law stating she had a "strong feeling" to pray for us over the weekend and mentioned specific things I was struggling with days prior and prayed for Maggie's complete healing. Then a friend texted me out of the blue just to see how I was doing. Then our prayer request list went out asking that Maggie get a spot in Hand In Hand Early Intervention and moments later I received a call that she was accepted!!! These events were not a coicindence or accident or fate- they were of God to reveal His glory. His timing is so perfect-- if he had not given me peace the night before, I would have found it when I received that phone call and put my faith and trust in Early Intervention instead of our Almighty Saviour. Am I happy Maggie was accepted? Of course, I'm still her mom and want what's best for her, but it's soooo much bigger than that. I should mention I was 'supposed' to receive that call two days before I got it and that Maggie has been making improvements- however small they may be- in areas of concern. And that's what Christ does. He takes you when you're just wrecked, completely broken, reveals himself to you and changes you. That's what happened to me. And it's amazing. He loves me THAT much. That much? Is she crazy? Enough to make you suffer, uncertain, feeling broken? Yes!!! Quoting my husband here, is ice cream not sweeter after a drink of bitter coffee? We are helpless and God is gracious and "...shows his love for us that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

May we all reflect on this as we celebrate this holy week, Good Friday and Easter Sunday (Resurrection Day). It's THAT important-- the ONLY thing that's important-- and I pray you acknowledge it as such in your home.